Wednesday, October 10, 2007

(10.10.07) Recommends:

Making it big on the stock market.

Some have been suggesting for a while now that our economy is in the throes of another bubble. And while talking about personal finances publicly is always a faux pas, the fact that some of us are making out like bandits in this current climate is faux real.

Learn the game of mergers and spin offs and this too may be yours some day:

Go ahead, click on the picture. Get a close up of that dollar amount, you know you want to.

Awwwwww, yeah. What up, ladies in the audience? You like all those digits to the left of that decimal place, don’t you?

Now, I know what you’re all (I’m speaking to the ladies and the non-ladies now) wondering: the only number that could possibly be larger than the number on the check is the number of readers of this blog. How will this newfound wealth effect you, our humble editor? We come to learn about the new and the underappreciated; will we continue to get our irregularly updated filling if you cash in and sell out and move on? With an excess of cultural outputs, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you (woo woo woo).

Fear not. There will be some changes around here obviously. How couldn't there be? But change is what sustains us. I am transparent and want to assuage your fears. I want you to sleep soundly knowing that you can take the boy out of the middle class, but you can’t take the middle class out of the boy. Following find a list of How Things Will Change:

Oh, Law school! How paid off are you now!

Oh, Fire place! How your flames will burn high and warm and will shine like a beacon of hope for your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free, once my treasure stuffs your bosom full of logs!

Oh, Chris Ware signed art! How you will remain an anchor, even though you're only a print, in my new room financed by my bounty and dedicated to nothing but the art of our most important graphic designers.

Oh, Tickets to the shows of our most ambitious and compelling musicians! How my treasure will no longer require me choosing between you and tuna fish sustenance!

Oh, Brooks Brothers sweaters! How to choose between Cotton or Cashmere or Lambswool or Shetland or Camel Hair or Merino or Saxxon Wool? Why not have them all!

Oh, Window-unit air conditioner! How you will soon be replaced by central air! Our break up -- It’s not me, it’s you, that’s true: see, central air uses ducts to distribute cooled and/or dehumidified air to more than one room, is not plugged into a standard electrical outlet, and because it is located outside the home, it offers a lower level of noise indoors than a free-standing air conditioning unit! -- will be somber yet amicable.

Oh, Book of poems! How I will no longer have to rely on your sad truths to make ends meet! Art is my muse, but capitalism is my daddy. Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. (I am large. I contain multitudes).

Oh, Paper shredder! How you will soon grow in size and blade strength and shred speed now that I am a Noted Industrialist and must be protected with ever-greater vigor from all the foils of identity theft!

Oh, Jif Peanut Butter! How I can now afford to send you on that fancy date with Jelly for which you've long pined!

Oh, Jif Peanut Butter, again! How I can now afford to store you somewhere other than in the shower!

Oh, Chuck Taylors! How I can now get you in 365 different colors, one for each day of the year!

Oh, James Gatz! Even though I was not named after you, how you become my spiritual guide as I enter my own Gilded Age!

Oh, Second home! How I will be kept up at night, Gatsby, wondering do I summer in West Egg or East Egg?


So there you have it. While there are Big Changes in store, it’ll be the same as it ever was around here. And now you’re probably also wondering: how do you find the time to work and play and live and love and discover new and underappreciated cultural voices and make a killing in the public financial markets?

Well peeps, if I got all Rich Dad Poor Dad on you, I’d have to charge you $16.95 each. But as it is, I’m willing to break down the secret behind my financial freedom into a manageable formula.

Start with the fundamentals...:

...Understand the competition...:

...Learn to count...:

...Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...:

...Repeat after me: it's a subtle blend of science and art...:

...a subtle blend of science and art...:

...never underestimate the value of a puffy shirt...:

...or a big yellow hat...:

...and this, too, can be yours:

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