Sunday, February 17, 2008

(02.17.08) Recommends:

Not Making Going to the Gym Harder on Others Than It Already Has To Be.

Okay, look. We will be the first to admit that despite the fact that we live in Southern California, and the day-time temperature has unlikely dropped below 72 degrees since we've been here, our extremities remain a pasty shade of white, an ashy shade of gray. We realize we're kind of hairy. We realize that once we get going, we really sweat quite profusely. And our faces turn a shade similar to strawberry jam.

In addition to our own considerable shortcomings, we live in a section of a city with notoriously heavy amounts of traffic and notoriously scare amounts of parking spots. There are no take-a-quick-drive-to-the-__________ (fill in the blank)'s here.

Taken together, it takes something resembling a leap of faith to get us to even show up to the gym.

There are a lot of poor saps out there like us. But we show up. We're trying.

Therefore, An Important Note: If you are going to use the gym equipment immediately adjacent to, or anywhere within the peripheral vision of, a person, please do us all a favor and do not behave in the manner of an insane person. Good Lord: life is already difficult enough, people.

In these days of multiculturalism and multilangualism, we do not want to risk "behavior in the manner of an insane person" getting lost in translation.


An Example.

If somebody is using an exercise bike, and it is obvious -- perhaps from observing (but you should note your Insane Behavior Monitor going beep! beep! beep! when observing from too close a distance or too long a time) the aforementioned amounts of sweat or facial shade of strawberry jam -- that said person is in the middle of an intense workout, and is probably putting out maximum effort and still just basically holding on for dear life, you should not do the following.

You should not get on the exercise bike next to this person, and immediately start pedaling at what has to be 150 RPM while punching the air like you are training for a goddam boxing match, then leave after five minutes. This, this is Insane Behavior.

One. It is easy to get the machine up to 150 RPM the second you get on the bike. It is also easy to maintain 150 RPM for five minutes. Nobody is impressed with your speed. However, the person next to you probably thinks you're a douche bag.

Two. You are not, in fact, training for a goddam boxing match, are you? Answer: no, you are not. So enough with the punching, Billy Blanks.

Three. All of your commotion is very distracting to the poor person who we have already established is just trying to get through his or her daily workout, which in theory is supposed to offer respite from the traffic and the lack of parking and the commotion of the city and the headaches of work and the disappointments of life and the price of gasandrentandglobalwarmingandthenever-endingelectionseasonandetcetcetc and your routine, well, just stop it already, dude!

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